Today, as a Christian, I pray about the situation ... I seek His design for my life ... I persevere because I know that the more He wants it for me, the more the enemy will attack. Now, however, as I deal with a situation, I can honestly say I do not know whether to quit or persevere. I am in unfamiliar waters and it is very unsettling.
When I started this venture, I was so excited and determined. I wanted it very much. Things started out well and I was growing in more ways than one. Then, it all seemed to take a turn for the worse. Obstacles are repeatedly in my way and it is making me very discouraged. Are these obstacles from God because this is not part of His plan for me? OR, are the obstacles from the enemy so I do become disillusioned and quit? I cannot seem to find peace on either level.
I do know that things are slowly unravelling. I am very much behind. I am having thoughts that are not becoming ... thoughts that are not allowing me to encourage myself. Battles of the mind are difficult enough and I am very much aware of this. We fight mental battles daily, and if we do not learn to cease them at the onset, they can be very destructive. They can eventually take you down if you allow. I struggled greatly in this area of my life as a young Christian. It was very destructive emotionally, physically, and mentally ... not to mention what it does for your relationship with Christ. Today I pretty much know how to fight those battles ... or any battles for that matter ... with the Word of God. There is power in the Word! So, why am I struggling so much now? I simply do not have the answer.
What do you do when you find yourself in a situation as this? You weigh the pros and cons ... you pray steadfastly ... and you persevere until you know the answer. I know all of this so why am I so unsettled in my spirit over it all?
I do not mind being behind ... I do not mind the thoughts of others ... I do not mind working twice as hard to achieve this goal. I have learned long ago to press forward no matter how difficult if it is His desire for you, but what I do mind is wasting my time ... His time ... if this is the wrong path. Not to say the monetary waste! It is frustrating, to say the least, and not where I thought I would be after 16 years of walking with Him. I thought times as this were behind me.
I can only conclude that God has something great for me at the end of this struggle. Now I just need to figure out what the struggle is ... persevering or quitting!