I was up at 3:00 a.m. after having gone to bed late. Lack of sleep seems to be a constant companion to me these days. Not being able to sleep is happening a lot lately, especially as moving day approaches. I have all sorts of mixed emotions. This horrible foreboding wants to linger in the pit of my gut despite anything positive I try to feed it. Not getting sufficient sleep, I am sure, played a large part of my attempt at being depressed today. I said attempt because I was constantly fighting it, tooth and nail. It would get ahead of me ... I would bypass it for a period of time ... then it would overcome me again. My depressed foreboding and I ran neck and neck throughout the day.
My husband, bless his heart, gave his all to raise my spirits by reassuring me that everything was going to be fine ... by reminding me we were doing exactly what we needed to do to come out victors in the end ... and just loving on me. It would work for a short period of time, but then he would disappear and the foreboding would return. It was just a constant battle ... me winning for short spurts and then it winning. Winning? Well, I do not know if I should say it was 'winning' because to me winning means coming out ahead in the end to be victorious. Despite many failures ... daily or in life as a whole ... if you are on the winning team in the end, then to me you are a winner! If this is your definition of 'winning', then God and I were the victors here. I never should have doubted it, but as we all do, I gave negative thinking a foothold and it tried to completely to take over. Before moving on let me interject ... if you have Christ in your life then you cannot help but to be a winner. When all is said and done, when you draw your last breath, you are victorious!!! No way can you say you are a loser when you have eternity with Him awaiting you! We just fail to remember this during the midst of our storms!
I was so exhausted the first part of my day. I felt as if I would literally fall down when I made any attempt to walk or to do anything. My head hurt so badly. I tried to sleep, but sleep eluded me. My mind was playing over and over in my head ... like a broken record. Remember when you would play records on the record player (how badly am I telling my age here)? If the needle came to a scratch, it would sit there and continually make that scratching noise over and over and over ... OR it would repeat the same lyric constantly. This was my mind today. It was stuck on the same tune, replaying the same lyrics over and over and over! I would move the needle a bit periodically and try to play something more upbeat, but then it would get stuck on that stupid scratch. I wound up back where I started.
Today was a very special day for a very special someone in my life. I should have been there for her, but I was not. I was too tired. I did not trust myself to drive. I did not trust myself not to be a blubbering idiot. I could see someone saying, "How are you?", and the tears coming as rainfall. She deserved better than that so I stayed home. Should I have gone? I do not know! I just know that at the time I simply could not muster up the energy or will to get dressed, drive over an hour, and be cheerful. Call me selfish if you want. I did not mean to be selfish. I just did not have the fortitude I needed to put one foot in front of the other and move in a positive direction.
I had a friend text me this morning trying to talk me off the path I was on. They failed. They did manage to make me laugh though, and I am very blessed to have them in my life. They are very special to me. Other than them, I heard from no one. I was not expecting any calls, but you know how you secretly desire someone to call though you know if they did you would not answer the telephone. How crazy is that?
I finally fell asleep at some point midday and I slept like a baby. I do not know what time I woke. I made myself take a shower, get dressed, and go for a little trip into town to get something to eat. While out, I decided to do something special for me ... something to lift my spirits! Before going any further, let me interject that the first thing any of us should do ... the very first thing we should do ... and I did do ... is take our burdens and cares before God. Cast our cares as much as possible. Though we may not see instantaneous results, He is at work. I give Him all credit for how my day ended and for any joy I found throughout. When I said I did something special to lift my spirits, I mean I added the 'something special' to the already very special thing He was doing behind the scene. The 'very special' thing being going before Him and giving Him my all.
My 'special' thing to lift my spirits which I did for myself was to buy me some hair color. I had noticed on Friday just how badly my roots were showing, and it was not pretty. I knew my hair was in desperate need of being colored, but when you are down, you have no energy to do anything. This was a prime example of God's hand at work despite never having felt His presence. The fact I even had the fortitude ... the energy ... the get-up-and-go to do anything was all Him! I am so blessed to have a relationship with Him. He is my hope, and I would not be able to fight any battles which loomed without His strength coursing through my veins.
I got my hair color and I went home. I took a luxurious bath and commenced to doing my something 'special'. When I was finished, I had to laugh. I stood in front of that bathroom mirror and I laughed so hard it brought tears to my eyes. The very thought of this individual looking down from Heaven and laughing brought such immense joy to my heart. This individual being my soul mate of a best friend ... my extension ... my support when I did not know Him. She was called home at a very early age, and I have missed her every day since. BUT when she was here, she did everything in her power to get me to dye my hair red. We never knew what color it would turn out when I colored it, but I did everything possible to make sure it did not turn out red. She would give me such a hard time about this. She so wanted me to be a redhead! Well ... at long last ... she won. There is no denying my hair has a red tint to it. Why would it not? What part of 'mahogany' did I not think had a red tint to it? The color I choose this go round was mahogany brown. What in the world was I thinking? She is laughing with me, and it gave me the joy I needed to end a day I was thinking I wish had never began. As she did in life, she lifted my spirits as no one else could. I felt her presence beside me in the bathroom, and it made me cry ... cry with joy and cry because I miss her so very much!!!! Oh my, how I miss her!!!!
My day could have been much better than it was, but it could have been much worse. I relied on Him for strength. I was counting on Him to bring me through and He did. Throughout my day, He gave me what I needed to fight my second-by-second battles. He ended it by using someone very special to me to make me laugh. I was and am blessed despite any hardships or sadness that loom ahead. Remember Psalm 30:5 because it is very true and it is a reminder to us that "this too shall pass". It reads in part, " ... Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning!" We all have these types of days. It is not something that happens just to me. My day was nothing in comparison to what a truly rough day is .. a day when you lose a loved one ... a day when you lose all hope ... a day when you lose your job ... a day when you wake and mistakenly think you can do it on your own ... a day without Him in it! Yes, my day was a rough one by my standards on this given day, but as with all days, I am blessed beyond comparison to what others endure on a daily basis. Just reminding myself of this during my down times supplies me with enough energy to fight back and win. My 'bad' day is nothing to what someone else is going through.
Years and years ago, I had a friend who was always upbeat. They always had a smile on their face. One night as we were hanging out I said to them, "How do you do it? How do you smile all the time?" Their response to me was, "Whenever I get down, I always remember that someone somewhere is much worse than I ever dreamed of being. Someone somewhere has circumstances beyond my comprehension and it makes me smile." Of course, at the time they said this to me, I was young ... I was naïve ... I was so self-centered that I lost the message all together. Today I know exactly what they meant. God shows me daily how blessed I am. If during my most difficult days I take only a split second to acknowledge Him, during that very brief period of time He shows me I am blessed. I may not want to hear it at the time, but eventually what He shares with me provides exactly what I need to be an overcomer. I praise Him, and I am so very thankful daily for Him. His Spirit lives in and through me. His being is my weapon in life to defeat anything and anyone which comes against me. He truly does turn my lemons into lemonade. Won't you have a drink with me today?
God bless and I love you all!!!! Pray for me as I am praying for you!