As I was thinking about my journey through all of this, it suddenly … out of nowhere … popped into my head the names of my son and daughter. Yes, my oldest was a son and my youngest was a daughter. Never in this lifetime have I shared with anyone the names of my children. It was something, to be honest, that had completely slipped from my mind. Now, for whatever reason, the names came to me … James Michael and Sara Renee. As soon as the names entered my mind, I broke down sobbing. My children, at that precise moment, became so real to me and I was mourning them in a way I never had before. I bent my head down and felt such an emptiness inside ... a yearning to feel their little hands in mine ... to smell that fresh baby smell. I have cried many times over the years at the thought of two children gone before me, but never like this. It was like saying their names out loud gave them personalities ... gave them true identities to me that I never had. Then, just as quickly, I wanted to see them and the thought of going to heaven became even more precious to me. I envisioned my mom and dad with them, and I so wished at that point that I could have spoken to my mom about all of this. It was something she and I never really discussed, but for many reasons, I wish we had. But, knowing that she is in heaven with them, it brings me a renewed sense of peace in a way that is incomprehensible to explain to you. I just can't find the words to even articulate what I was feeling.
My husband came in the bathroom at this point and I so wanted to share all of this with him, but I did not. I knew he would not understand. It isn't that my husbnand is a non-caring individual because he is very tender hearted. However, our walks with Christ are so different at this point in time so I knew he would never truly grasp the emotions that I was feeling. However, I could not help but look at him and wonder ... would my son look like him ... act like him .. would he have exhibited the many character traits I love about my husband? Would my daughter have been tall like her dad? I don't have the answers to those questions, but some day I will. What a joyous day that will truly be for all of us!!
From all of this, I also was feeling an overwhelming love for Christ for sharing this with me. My relationship and the depth of my love for Him increases daily as I come to understand Him more and more. If the loss of my child affects me in such an emotional way, I can’t even begin to imagine how God suffered at the loss of His. Then, to try to realize that He lost His son for me, well, it truly is beyond human comprehension.
All of this is just another example to me of God’s grace and mercy. He has revealed things to me before that I had long ago erased from my memories, and as He reveals new things, I realize just how perfect His timing is in everything. I needed this now and it was one of His many gifts to me.
I am going today and purchase two Christmas ornaments in memory of my son and daughter. I want them to remain very real to me from this day forward. I love them both very much!